Dear Mr. Poopy McPoopy Pants,
Hi Kenji. I’ve wanted to say this to you for months now and was only holding back, but now I have the courage to finally say this to you. I just want to say this to you for the first and last time. So here it goes…
When we met, I knew all the right words to say but I never had the chance to do it. I was busy building my walls up because I was scared to feel something for you because of all the things I’ve been through. It didn’t stop me from falling though, you said all the right words, you treated me like I was indeed special never knowing that it was just your usual charm that worked its way through me.
It didn’t start the right way and it ended the most painful way but if I would have a chance to turn back time, I will still wish to meet you just the same. If only you understood how hurtful it was for a girl to be befriended, led on, courted, made her love you and get her hopes up, and be left hanging in the end.
Maybe you will never know.
You said that you wanted to be with me but it’s hard for you. I understand what you’re going through. You wanted to prove something. You wanted to better your career, to be at the top of the ladder like what you always say. Indecision is a decision. Your words and your actions aren’t matching up anymore and I’m tired of making excuses for you. I’m tired of making myself understand you every single day. I shouldn’t have ever had to question where I stand in your life, but that’s what’s been happening.
I know I’m hard to love. I’ve got walls and I’m stubborn and I don’t like to feel weak or vulnerable. At one point, you pushed through those walls, but something must have changed because you stopped and then I didn’t want to feel like a burden.
You help shape the person I am today. You taught me how to be strong and how to believe in myself and push myself. You taught me patience and a lot about self-respect and self-worth. And you helped me learn that my happiness is important.
I’d also like to thank you for the life lessons that you taught me. Whether you know it or not I learned a lot from you. The most important things that I learned were self-respect and self-worth. I finally got it into my head that I need to have enough respect for myself to know when to collect myself and let go and stop chasing something that will never happen. I had no respect for myself and looked like a fool sitting around begging, hoping for you to take me back and to repair what we had.
On top of self-respect, you helped me find and bring my self-worth to light. I’m worth more than unanswered texts, sleepless nights spent hoping for that rare text that you send in the middle of the night, praying that it would be the conversation that fixes us. I’m worth more than sitting around waiting for you to come back to tell me that you want to try again. I’m worth more than walking around in a trance, crying when nobody is around. I’m worth more than all of that.
I really thought that you were the one for me, and I loved the feeling of being yours, even if it was only for a short while. Everything with you was perfect – the way we naturally clicked, how easy everything came around you, how free and safe I felt with you. When we were together, I forgot all the troubles going on in my life at the time, and when it came to the troubles that I couldn’t shake, you were there for me and helped me through. I really did fall hard for you, even though I didn’t mean to fall as hard as I did. The last thing I want to do is let go and stop trying to win you back, but for the sake of my own sanity, I need to.
Thank you for showing me that one-way attempts at fixing something only result in that person getting hurt even more in the end. Thank you for hurting me. The healing process obviously hurts and it isn’t something that heals overnight. But in time, it’ll heal and I’ll be stronger than before. Thank you for showing me that bending over backwards for someone isn’t always enough to keep them around, that people will leave if that’s what they want, no matter what you do.
Too bad you were the first to say goodbye, but I am also happy that you did. Because I know I’ll be able to be the person I was once before you.
I hope and pray you are in your happy place now and I deserve ten times as much happiness that you are feeling. I can’t be happy if I won’t forgive you. It’s a cruel cycle of loving and hurting. Forgiving but not forgetting. I hope I can say I’m better now, and I hope you can understand that not everything is about you.
I hope I can say that we can still be friends after all that has happened like the relationship I have with my ex right now but I can’t and I won’t because deep in my heart I know that having that kind of relationship with you won’t be good for me. I expected this to happen right before we even started, I was scared and frustrated on the things you always tell me. I knew right from the start that you weren’t the one for me. That being with you would break down the wall that I worked hard to build for years. There were countless nights that I thought that I should’ve listened to what they said but I thought I could change you and make you better but maybe I couldn’t do that, maybe I wasn’t strong enough to help you. Or maybe the problem is that I wasn’t ready at all. I thought after all those years I have already healed but I guess I was wrong. I thought that maybe I am finally ready but I guess not.
You made countless promises that I thought I believed but I didn’t because I know you too well and I know you are not capable of keeping promises. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep up with your personal issues, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help you enough, but believe me I tried. I tried so hard that it broke me, that I forgot myself, and that I forgot my worth. I focused on your problems and your insecurities ever since we met. Maybe I was just in love with the fact that someone was taking care of me and I am truly sorry that I hurt you in whatever way. I’m sorry for not being good enough for you.
Lastly, I want to thank you for letting me go and be on my own. I’ll use this time to improve myself and better myself, not for you, not for another man, but for myself. On top of that, one day another man is going to thank you for letting me go, because if you didn’t, he would have never had the chance to find me. He would never have the opportunity to see my worth and not let a day go by where he doesn’t remind me of it and how much he cherishes me. Obviously I will always miss you and you will always have a piece of my heart, but as you said, I’m only a distraction to your goals.
After all of this, I don’t hate you; I could never hate you. I want us to be civil and want to see you succeed, to move on with your life as I’m doing with mine. Will we ever cross paths again years from now? I am not holding my breath anymore, but I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. And I really do hope that you find happiness and whatever it is that you’re looking for.
You may not be my “one that got away”, but you are the best lesson I’ve had so far.
Everything happens for a reason. I may not understand the reason thoroughly right now but I know I will soon.
Forgive and forget, that’s what I will do. Maybe not now, but I am working on it.
So finally this is goodbye, and good luck.
September 2015-September 2016